if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
