textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
