True but thats because hes a fetus.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
