he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
