The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
