Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
birth control should be required to get into college
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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