Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
