just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
