rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
