They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
