Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
