Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
only if we run a train.
done.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
