plz talk dirty to me
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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