There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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