I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
