I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
His nipple licking is glorious
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