My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize