I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
