I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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