I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
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