I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
