I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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