Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
can u get pink eye on your cock?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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