I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
