I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
