We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
