I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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