So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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