i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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