they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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