why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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