my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
