You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
