I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
