On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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