sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
