i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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