Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
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