I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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