Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
