Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
