what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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