why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
