okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
