Your mouth is God's brothel.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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