You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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