At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
