Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
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