I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize