i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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