I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
