I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
