3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
being pregnant is like rehab
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
