Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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