I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
