Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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