I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
