dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
